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by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
"I
love you". Can any words possibly sound sweeter or offer greater
comfort? Is any statement more natural--or necessary--between a
parent and child? In many families, these words come easily. But
if you grew up never hearing them, saying "I love you" may feel
somewhat unnatural to you. Or if members of your family used loving
statements to control or manipulate, you may be very uncomfortable
using them with your own children. Many families either don't communicate
loving feelings very often or they communicate them in destructive
ways. A counselor friend once told me she was appalled to discover
that some of her clients had never heard the words, "I love you"
from their parents: "I couldn't imagine parents who couldn't say
'I love you' to their children, probably because I grew up hearing
it all the time. But in the middle of my shock and self-righteousness,
I realized that in my family, that statement was always loaded with
expectations for me to do something. Most of the time when my parents
said 'I love you' they would stand there and wait for us to say
'I love you, too'. So that statement always came off as a solicitation,
rather than an expression of how they really felt about us." If
either of these extremes describe your upbringing, chances are,
you aren't using loving statements as often--or as "cleanly"--as
you might. A few simple guidelines can help. Let's hear it!
We all need to hear loving statements from people we care about.
It may be easy to assume that your kids know you love them. After
all, you do love them and you probably do a lot of loving things
for them. That's important. But feeling love for someone is not
the same as expressing it. Nor is doing loving things. Loving feelings
and loving behaviors are not loving words--and those are important,
too. If you find it hard to get the words out of your mouth, either
from lack of familiarity or fear of rejection, start slowly. A parent
in one of my workshops confessed to practicing on the dog for a
few days before she could get up the nerve to try it out on her
kids! Another started by writing love notes to her children, sneaking
them into their lunch bags or under their pillows. Both reported
such a strong, positive response from their children, that saying
"I love you" came much more easily after that. Let's hear it
some more. None of this "I-told-you-I-love-you-in-1985" stuff,
OK? This isn't like going to the dentist twice a year. So maybe
it's still not easy to say, even with the practice and little successes.
Maybe hearing "I love you" even gives your kids the creeps (this
is more age specific than anything else and less likely to happen
if you don't say it in front of his entire 5th grade class). Say
it anyhow. As a gift to yourself, communicate your love daily. At
least. Keep it simple! "I love you" is a complete sentence.
We don't need to tie our feelings for a person to the person's behavior.
In fact, whenever we connect it to something the other person has
done, "I love you" becomes a statement of conditional caring. "I
love you when you make your bed", or "I love you when you make the
honor roll", suggest that you love your child because of his behavior
or accomplishment. It also suggests that the love wouldn't be there--or
be quite the same--if the child hadn't made the bed or the grades.
(Don't you love your kid in either case?) You can still be excited
and happy about the behavior, but avoid communicating that your
loving feelings for your child exist because he's doing what pleases
you. "I love you". Period. No "buts" about it! By the same
token, watch the tendency to use "I love you" as a lead-in to a
confrontation about something your child has done that you find
disturbing. If you need to address the child's behavior or set a
boundary, by all means do so. But deal with the behavior--not the
worth of the child, or your feelings for him or her. If the child
needs to clean her room or miss the movie because her chores were
not done, deal with the situation, not your feelings. You don't
need to say, "I love you but..." to soften the blow. Your feelings
are not an issue here. Besides, because of the way the brain processes
the words we hear, whatever you say before the word "but" automatically
gets canceled out anyhow. (In other words, if you say, "I love you,
but your room is a mess," all the child ends up hearing is, "Your
room is a mess.") Using "but" in the same sentence as "I love you"
is confusing and manipulative. As in the previous example, this
type of statement suggests that the child is only lovable conditionally.
Cut to the chase. Avoid tying the feelings you express to the way
the child is acting--good or bad. No expectations. Say "I
love you" because you want to say "I love you." Say it because you
feel love toward the person you're talking to. Say it because it
feels good to say it. "I love you" is a powerful statement and lots
of times it will evoke a loving response from the recipient. But
attaching an expectation for a response to the statement is a set-up--both
for you and the other person. If the expectation is there, your
child will know it. If he does respond, it will probably be to avoid
guilt or conflict rather than genuine, spontaneous caring. Is that
what you really want? If your children haven't learned how to say
"I love you" yet, it's OK to tell them that you need to hear those
three little words sometimes, too. Then give them some space to
risk, practice and learn. By far their best lessons will come from
your own unconditional modeling. Turn the love inward. Next
to unconditional love, the best gift you can give another person
is the love you give yourself! In fact the ability to love, appreciate
and care for yourself is essential to healthy, loving relationships
with others. So, look in the mirror. Look into your eyes. Say "I
love you." No "buts." No qualifiers. Say it out loud. Say it often.
Mean it. What better way to affirm how worthwhile and lovable you
are. And what better way to practice one of the most basic, most
precious and important parenting skills there is.
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